Sunday, June 10, 2007
How and When to Say No
We have all been in the situation where somebody asks us to do them, a favor and, even though there are a gazillion other things we should do first, we find it difficult to turn the other person down. The reasons vary from things like he or she has done us a favor in the past, to they are a close friend or a family member.
So we reluctantly say yes, when we really wanted to say no, but couldn’t; and so we find ourselves trapped into doing something that we really did not want to do. We can sometimes be so worried at causing disappointment in other people that we will try to please them; often at the expense of our own activities and interests.
Frankly, knowing how to say ‘no’ requires skill. Others might say that it shouldn’t be hard to do. But, let’s face it. We live as social beings and acceptance often occupies the number one spot in the list of virtues we want to achieve. Despite this, there are actually ways we can circumvent this difficulty using the following tips.
Here are five, pain-free and reasonable ways to say ‘no’.
1. Say ‘no’; then show what the other person has to do to get a ‘yes’.
For example the person wants you to help clean out her garage and storage shed. You know this means you work while she is on the phone. You do not want to do that so you say “no.” Then before they can take a breath: Tell the person that they must be willing to help do the work, and anything you say is trash gets thrown away with no argument. You can add on other conditions like she is buying the pizza, and soda, and so on. Once that person agrees to your conditions then you will say yes.
2. Make it impersonal.
I always give my daughter an out, I tell her to blame me. She can say no to her friends and then tell them her dad is making her stay home that night. Other people use me as the excuse; such as my neighbors tell their friends that they can’t party there as that guy across the street will call the cops.
3. Say ‘no’ in a way that will make the other person have to say ‘no’.
Instead of saying ‘no’, teach the other person to say ‘yes’ to what you want. Do this subtly, of course. Say your friend wants to borrow your lawn mower, say yes but add the condition that they have to mow your yard first. Most people when faced with extra work will balk, and change their minds.
4. Say you want to say ‘yes’, but…
You feel like your being extorted and used. Tell the person honestly that you do not feel they should be doing that right now. Do not offer excuses; just tell them ‘no’ in a stern manner. Explain that you are not there to support them; they should learn how to support themselves.
This is especially true when loaning money. Never sacrifice your own well being, tell them you will not loan them any money until they repay the last amount, and when they do, tell them you will not loan them any money because they are not managing it well. Offer to help them manage it, or get them help if they choose, but do not continue to propagate the problem.
5. Say it nicely.
You’re giving negative news, so you might as well do it nicely. Let the other person down easy to avoid misunderstandings. It’s the least you can for the disappointed. People tend to be more accepting of bad news if it’s brought in a polite and sympathetic manner. Put the onus on them: Tell them you can see their point, but you are not going to help them do something you feel is a bad idea.
For example the neighbor’s kid wants to borrow your lawn mower so he can mow lawns to make some money. The last time you did this it came back dirty, broke and out of gas. So you explain that since he did not treat your stuff with respect he can not use it again. Thus saying no, but in a manner that causes no hard feeling towards yourself.
So to sum up: Do not ever feel guilty about saying “No”; remember it is your life and not theirs. No sense in being miserable, if saying yes makes you happy then do so; on the other hand if saying yes cause discomfort, pain and personal dissatisfaction, then say “No.”
Be Blessed
So we reluctantly say yes, when we really wanted to say no, but couldn’t; and so we find ourselves trapped into doing something that we really did not want to do. We can sometimes be so worried at causing disappointment in other people that we will try to please them; often at the expense of our own activities and interests.
Frankly, knowing how to say ‘no’ requires skill. Others might say that it shouldn’t be hard to do. But, let’s face it. We live as social beings and acceptance often occupies the number one spot in the list of virtues we want to achieve. Despite this, there are actually ways we can circumvent this difficulty using the following tips.
Here are five, pain-free and reasonable ways to say ‘no’.
1. Say ‘no’; then show what the other person has to do to get a ‘yes’.
For example the person wants you to help clean out her garage and storage shed. You know this means you work while she is on the phone. You do not want to do that so you say “no.” Then before they can take a breath: Tell the person that they must be willing to help do the work, and anything you say is trash gets thrown away with no argument. You can add on other conditions like she is buying the pizza, and soda, and so on. Once that person agrees to your conditions then you will say yes.
2. Make it impersonal.
I always give my daughter an out, I tell her to blame me. She can say no to her friends and then tell them her dad is making her stay home that night. Other people use me as the excuse; such as my neighbors tell their friends that they can’t party there as that guy across the street will call the cops.
3. Say ‘no’ in a way that will make the other person have to say ‘no’.
Instead of saying ‘no’, teach the other person to say ‘yes’ to what you want. Do this subtly, of course. Say your friend wants to borrow your lawn mower, say yes but add the condition that they have to mow your yard first. Most people when faced with extra work will balk, and change their minds.
4. Say you want to say ‘yes’, but…
You feel like your being extorted and used. Tell the person honestly that you do not feel they should be doing that right now. Do not offer excuses; just tell them ‘no’ in a stern manner. Explain that you are not there to support them; they should learn how to support themselves.
This is especially true when loaning money. Never sacrifice your own well being, tell them you will not loan them any money until they repay the last amount, and when they do, tell them you will not loan them any money because they are not managing it well. Offer to help them manage it, or get them help if they choose, but do not continue to propagate the problem.
5. Say it nicely.
You’re giving negative news, so you might as well do it nicely. Let the other person down easy to avoid misunderstandings. It’s the least you can for the disappointed. People tend to be more accepting of bad news if it’s brought in a polite and sympathetic manner. Put the onus on them: Tell them you can see their point, but you are not going to help them do something you feel is a bad idea.
For example the neighbor’s kid wants to borrow your lawn mower so he can mow lawns to make some money. The last time you did this it came back dirty, broke and out of gas. So you explain that since he did not treat your stuff with respect he can not use it again. Thus saying no, but in a manner that causes no hard feeling towards yourself.
So to sum up: Do not ever feel guilty about saying “No”; remember it is your life and not theirs. No sense in being miserable, if saying yes makes you happy then do so; on the other hand if saying yes cause discomfort, pain and personal dissatisfaction, then say “No.”
Be Blessed
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